Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
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ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
A woman drives into a bar.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
sry
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…