Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
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“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.