Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
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The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
How do you like your Corgi?
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume