[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
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What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!