Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
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*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Just this preview of the story is enough
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Rich People Podcasts are wild.