Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
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Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.