Reporter: *ports again*
You Might Also Like
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
The prophecy is fulfilled
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”