Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
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tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
My new favorite headline
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.