gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
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bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”