Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
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Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…