Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
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I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
nyc:
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?