Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
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Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
In space, no one can hear…
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.