Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
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Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡