him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
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Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.