[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
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i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.