Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
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Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.