Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
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me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
beware of dog
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp