If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
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[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
why I oughta
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.