Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
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movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
repaired
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
He wanted to make sure😂
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Donkey Kong sommelier
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.