The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
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Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My life coach traded me.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older