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When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.