[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
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my name is luke but my friends dont call me
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?