My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.