Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
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If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Saturday
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?