Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
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Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Penguins walking in 5x speed
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot