25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
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My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
me hooking up with my ex
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Brilliant!
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.