When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
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The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I put the h in mysterious.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.