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“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
this FaceApp is creepy af
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back