[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
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You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”