Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
You Might Also Like
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you馃槶.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that鈥檚 not theirs. I can鈥檛 even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y鈥檃ll doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y鈥橝LL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that鈥檚 better
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 馃檪
*later to thugs* They know too much.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he鈥檚 a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
WTF
Rich people don鈥檛 understand cereal
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic