anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
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Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Girls have Galentine鈥檚 day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I鈥檓 like a potato because I鈥檓:
-not special, but I鈥檓 usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I鈥檓 salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 馃し馃槅馃ぃ馃う
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it鈥檚 just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son鈥檚 bedroom.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
teacher: your son doesn鈥檛 think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Never do anything you wouldn鈥檛 want to explain to the paramedics
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle