Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
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Needless to say…*
*mic drop
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”