Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
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Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
When I grow up, I want to be 16
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest