Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
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Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I’d rather fork than spoon.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone