“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
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STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
A family that plays together cheats.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Driving in Europe vs Canada
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.