Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
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Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.