[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
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*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Worst bar ever.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!