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VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain