respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
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Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
pictures of spider-man
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money