*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
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Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
it was love at first sight
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
where the womens at?
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex