Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
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I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
yall want some gasoline milk
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.