New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
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*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.