My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
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I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Breaking news:
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.