Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
You Might Also Like
Print is alive and well!!!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
#merica
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.