Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
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Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?