You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
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My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
who did the taste test?
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison