My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
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[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
The French cow says MEUX…