It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
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Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.