When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
You Might Also Like
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
A huge thanks to the person that did this
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
grotesque if literal: baby food
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr