A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
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how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.